How is it September 1st already?! If you read my previous post (or follow me on other social medial), you may have noticed I was at a bachelorette party in Savannah, GA a few weeks ago. However, it wasn’t just any bachelorette party. It was none other than yours truly.
My sister did an amazing job planning the weekend- which can sometimes be a feat for 10+ ladies. Not to mention it was a lot of fun!! We “conquered” the city of Savannah (as my sister would say) and we did everything from a bicycle pub crawl and riding a bull to a classy dinner and after dinner drinks at a speakeasy. You name it, we did it! And survived.
In any event, I wanted to share a post with you by Ashley Hesseltine from her blog Witty and Pretty. It is the difference between Bachelorette Parties in Your 20’s vs. 30’s. It was posted a couple of years ago, but I could’t help but share it because I think it’s hysterical. And I can tell you it is oh-so-accurate!
Her post is as follows (my comments are in italics, photos are my own):
20s: You pass out face down and wake up with mascara and bronzer all over your pillow and algae on your teeth.
30s: You wash your face and brush your teeth before laying your head to rest. Some of us…..even moisturize.
20s: The bride wears a bunch of shit ranging from penis veils, sashes, garters, feather boas, light-up rings, and tiaras. She looks like a walking Party City.
30s: The bride wears a designer dress. For the love of Herve Leger, do not attempt to attach any sort of tacky penis paraphernalia to her designer dress. Hahaha so true!!
Paying at Dinner
20s: You get separate checks at dinner and/or spend 15 minutes of valuable shot-taking time trying to figure out/split the bill. At least two girls are having internal panic attacks because they’re probably about to overdraw (I would know).
30s: All the girls nonchalantly throw down their credits cards and are like, “Just split it or whatever,” then go back to talking about important stuff like, “What should our hashtag be?” This actually happened!
20s: 4-5 girls on the bachelorette party will hook up with randoms.
30s: 0-1 girl will hook up with a random. Yup.
20s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s hungover.
30s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s pregnant.
20s: You dance on any elevated surface you can find: Bars, tables, chairs, speakers, a midget’s shoulders, etc. And twerk.
30s: You keep your feet firmly on the ground and if you get low, your quads are going to be sore in the morning. Pretty much!
20s: Whatever any dudes will buy you. And Fireball.
30s: Wine, the restaurant’s overpriced signature cocktails, vodka sodas. And Fireball. Haha definitely had two shots of fireball later that night….after a lovely bottle of Rose.
20s: ALL PENIS EVERYTHING. Cake, straws, balloons, confetti, ice cubes, lollipops, necklaces, piñatas, centerpieces, lipstick, etc. The most things to seductively lick for a photo to send to your on-again-off-again booty call, the better.
30s: Maybe a few penis straws if anyone feels like picking some up. For like, pregaming and stuff. Not a single one. Phew.
20s: Whatever is cheapest. Or the Marriott if the one “corporate” friend can use her company discount. And four to five to a room (more if you bring dudes back).
30s: A luxury hotel because, “This is her special weekend.” And you know someone will be all, “Not to be a snob, but four to a room is like, a little tight.” Heck yeah everyone got their own bed. Not even a single air mattress. Winning.
20s: 80% of the girls are on their phones 90% of the time and don’t give a fuck. Until they drunkenly lose their phone/drop it in the toilet at the club then cry hysterically
30s: The girls whip their phones out sporadically and discreetly to Instagram or text their husbands to check in. You’ll hear a lot of, “Sorry, I’m putting my phone away in two seconds!”
20s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
30s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of not getting pregnant.
Pump and Dump
20s: A girl has sex with a random and bolts before he can even get her number.
30s: One mom in the group will have to do this when she gets home because she just had three glasses of Chardonnay.
20s: Hard candies you put on a T-shirt and guys will suck them off during the night and give the bride crumpled $1 bills.
30s: Advil, a gallon of water before bed, Spanx. And Tums. Lots and lots of Tums.
20s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her “food baby” from lunch.
30s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her real baby from her husband’s sperm.
20s: Every piece of lingerie is lacy, pink, and from Victoria’s Secret. The bride will wear them once. Maybe.
30s: The bride-to-be gets a nice mix of classy-sexy and “sensible” pieces from Cosabella, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, Eberjey, etc. and everyone is like, “Ohmygod, you’re totally going to wear that all the time.”
20s: Matching or coordinated. “So like, we’re all going to wear black, and the bride is going to wear white! It’s going to be everything.”
30s: Nope. (I don’t know my cat tank top was pretty awesome)
20s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
30s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
And I would like to add:
Guys Buying Girls Drinks:
20’s: expect to do a lot of random shots paid for by young horny drunk guys, for which I’ll refer you to subsection hooking up, above.
30’s: Likely not going to happen. Maybe one or two, but just for the bride to be. What is more likely to happen? A 60 year old man handing you a $100 bill to go towards your dinner, or another to offer to buy a bottle of champagne. #win
20’s: five girls all cram into one stall, gossip about something incomprehensible, and then start crying because they proceeded to drop their phone in the toilet (see above). And because…you know..buddy system.
30’s: B*tch move. You want the 90 seconds of peace and quiet to yourself because it’s the only peace and quiet you’ve had in days. Or maybe years. You’re also fully independent with your toileting skills and don’t need an entourage to pee.
The Next Morning:
20’s: you wake up and it’s like a scene from the movie The Hangover. Tiger and all.
30’s: you wake up and it’s like a scene from the movie The Hangover. But everyone remembered to drink water with an electrolyte tab, brush their teeth, and moisturize the night before…so piecing together what happened isn’t so bad. And no Tiger.
Thank you Ashely for writing such a funny post!
All in all I had an amazing time! I’d say we lived true to our 30’s with a few, sporadic moments of reliving our 20’s.Oh to be young again. All I can say is that I am looking forward to the next bachelorette adventure. Sans the penis hat. But who knows when that will be 🙂